Be warned: this is a destructive procedure and the repairs are costly, plus if timed wrongly could upset a lot of people. This is not advice, it is a satirical writing, and you should never do it to any slaughterhouse owning scumbag.

Sooo…. We’ve all been there: you want to live your best off grid life, and you tell the water company to stop supplying water (cos you already harvest enough rainwater and drink from puddles) but the water company does not care and keeps turning the water back on and charging you for the ‘service’. They say things like “but how will you flush toilets without water?” And “how are you going to ensure proper sanitation in your factory?”.

There is a solution to all your problems that will allow you to live off grid!

What you need:
-water mains manhole
-a large screwdriver to open the metal cover
-a stopcock key
-quick concrete, water and a bucket.

Water mains supply has a switch in front of every property. This switches (also called stopcocks) are usually underground, under a metal cover, normally in front of each house or building. When you open that metal cover you should be able to see a metered counter (This tells the water company how much you’re using) and the stopcock, which will be either metal or plastic and is usually somewhat rectangular. You will need to turn off the valve by making it perpendicular to the water pipe it sits on top of. If your hand won’t suffice, there are such things as ” water mains shut off tools” or “stopcock keys” which you should find at hardware stores.

Once you’re shut off the valve, to ensure the water supplier doesn’t just turn the water back on, you mix quick concrete and water in a bucket and pour it over the whole thing, filling up the hole under the metal cover. How much concrete you will need will depend on your manhole, so you’ll need to check prior!

Walk away after that. You have achieved the water off grid award. Congratulations!

Note that you’re not allowed to fuck with water main switches as they are property of the water company. So only fuck with YOUR OWN stopcocks, never somebody elses, specially if they are a slaughterhouse that could no longer clean the blood and guts off of the floor or a hotel hosting a far right conference that would be unable to flush the toilets. Do not do that. It is expensive, it takes time to repair and it would not be legal!

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